Today I didn't do a hell of a lot. I bought a new mouse because my old ones left button keeps double clicking on the single click. That's no good to anyone. I ripped another bunch of cds to my new iTouch. I'm quite surprised at how much I'm enjoying that right now. I don't know if it's some sort of sick thing to get that much enjoyment out of a soulless machine but then that's how people treat other people.

I started a new thing on my website called Statustrations. It's possibly one of the few actual good and I'm guessing fairly original ideas I've had and it's a real chance to improve my art. Art is such a vague word. Everything is art. Everything is open to interpretation. That's the point behind the new idea. Twisted, humorous interpretation of other peoples thoughts. What people post in a blog or on a social networking site is always open to interpretation as there is no tone of voice. I often find myself asking "is it a joke? Is it serious? Did that actually happen? Do they mean that?" and similar questions when I read what people have typed. You can never really tell because it is just words on a cold screen. It's where the idea came about. That and the fact that I thought I was so fuckin' clever at combining the words 'status' and 'illustration'.

The internet and social networking has lead me to real block when it comes to dealing with people. I've never liked how you can always 'check up' people, stalking from afar watching their every move and it's why I keep deleting all of my profiles. I signed up to twitter again for the sake of promoting my website which thus far has been a huge failure. I guess I'm only getting started on it though.

Being stuck in a dark room at a computer talking about life scares me. I find it harder and harder to open up to people so I guess it's a vehicle for that. I'm not happy with my life and I am finding it extremely difficult to change it. People look for some kind of meaning and purpose behind what they do with their life. People fling themselves all over the world to find answers to things they go through so much turmoil and pain at times just to find something and at times just to feel something. For so fucking long now I've felt nothing really but regret. Regret at my own life. How I live it. More so how I ever shut myself off from people. I try to find amusement in things and it seems to be the only way I can connect with people by talking complete and utter nonsensical shit and finding ways to poke life in the eye. It's a case of turning everything into a joke so I don't have to deal with any reality. I can't seem to deal with realities anymore. I have spent my life living in my head, living in fantasy worlds. That's how I spend most of time and how I have always spent most of my time. I avoided the challenges and adventures life has to offer by always running away from them. The few challenges I do try and take on I give up fearing failure. I've never been a risk taker.

There's a part of me wanting release right now. All of a sudden I feel like I have watched my life flash by and all I did was sit and read about it, darkened room, cds strewn everywhere, dvd currently on pause. I've been wanting this since I first went somewhere on my own. That freedom. Away from everything and everyone. It is running away but it's also finding. I shut it down and stopped it from happening. All of a sudden there are too many mistakes and bad memories lining the same old places and I no longer want to visit. I complain about this country and how its people as seen at this time of year are still stuck so far in the past. Really I think that's me. I let every downfall in the past clutch at my heels and cling to me like cigarette smoke on a rain soaked shirt. It stinks, it is not leaving and no-one wants to be around that person. Isolation is the only thing that waits for the person who doesn't change his shirt before he becomes the tired old same old same old you bump into in the street, having that awkward hello before running off to continue your new found path in life. Life is fraught with pitfalls and danger. These things suck the life out anything pleasant you may have. They will drain your esteem, confidence and your character. It's a matter of picking yourself back up after that.

I've been here in this house for almost 27 years. I only really leave for the odd social occasion and work. Not a great deal has changed. Fewer lights are working, the room is as dark as ever, it's crowded with more tools of escapism, I'm a little taller and I've learnt very little. The only things that keep me company are electrical lights from devices that sit crowded around each other like some futuristic mechanical camping trip peering at me while I struggle to deal with some even more mundane than yesterday.

The reason I don't sleep now is that my brain keeps me awake. I don't exactly think or know if there is anything wrong with it but it is at the least very overactive. I lie awake wishing I was better. Wishing I was somewhere else. Wishing I was at least looked up to, respected, admired. It wishes I pushed myself more. Wishing I could go back to tell myself to do other things. If I knew what I knew now I'd only go back to try and learn more. This life is tired. It's a struggle but not even a good kind. Struggle isn't a bad thing. Struggle is challenge. Step up to struggle and see how strong you are.

There a lot of good things. I am very fortunate I know that. I just need to change it a little. Maybe even a lot. I think I need to challenge myself. No wait. I think I just need to leave my room first.

In some way I need to disappear then begin again. I'm usually more light-hearted and funnier than this, but you say it's currently how I feel and how I have been feeling for a long damn time.

If you read this. Thanks. If you didn't then it's OK.